Late late Thursday night, so late it was really Friday morning, I got back from my trip to Arizona. I joked to Brian before I left him that if I were any more relaxed I would be asleep, and days later I have been lucky enough to hold on to the majority of that deeply relaxed feeling that has left me mostly quiet, and happy.
I have SO. MANY. WORDS. about my vacation, so many photos and stories to share from my trip, but now I just want to hold on to some of this quiet and peace for just a little while longer.
On vacation, I barely checked my email, and I didn’t blog and I didn’t even write. I was completely disconnected from the world that lives beyond the computer screen, and when I got home I realized that I had forgotten to pay my internet bill so now cannot connect at home. For a few moments I felt lost and panicky – NO INTERNET AT HOME?! – but it’s been four days and I’ve cleaned my house and read an entire book and I think I will wait a little bit longer to reconnect there, because now I can really appreciate this space after a long absence from it.
You know when you have so much to say it’s hard to know where to begin? I’m feeling that now. I want to share stories and have conversations, but I just want to find a way to do it that fits me and fits my life. I can’t believe that I started out the year intending to blog daily. I am still partly mad at myself for failing at that even though I keep telling myself that it’s okay. Because I DO have all of these things to say, there is never a lack of words, there is never a writer’s block, I’ve never really believed in that. There’s just this block somewhere right on the edge of myself that keeps me inside wondering what is okay to let out. What is okay to share, what I want to say and share – I keep asking myself all the time, can I do this? Can I find away to be brave, to be myself in a place where people are always watching? I thought I had that once, and I kept giving it away, which is to say, I kept throwing it away, I kept deleting the parts of myself that I didn’t like and that I didn’t think were pretty enough or “authentic” enough.
This is just me though, all the time. Writing and rambling and trying to figure myself out, just like the rest of you. Right?