This new blog is for the pounding in my heart when I come to a new blank page. Specifically this blank page, where I come say:
Even though I would usually rather not talk to people, I would pretty much always rather be sitting at home by myself reading or watching TV, but the thing is I have all these things to say.
But here’s the thing, I’m afraid to talk to people.
I used to just joke around about it, but I guess all of that joking was just my mechanism of trying to hide what was really going on inside my head, and what is going on is, I think I have crippling social anxiety that is keeping me in my house, keeping me from excelling in my business, and keeping me from taking the steps I need to take to make my “ultimate goal” come to fruition.
Yes, I am scared of people.
I am scared of what people think of me, to the point where I just hide from people – even the people who I am pretty sure care about me an awful lot.
This goes completely against my instincts, or, the set of instincts that I have gotten used to listening to first, but I’ve got to do it.
I signed up for this site called Novlr last week. I’m only halfway through my free trial, and it tracks everything you write.
I am super into tracking things. I love tracking things and collecting data, I just never really know what to do with it to put it to use in making life better, but I am working on that.
Anyway, I wrote in Novlr.
I wrote four crappy chapters of a sci-fi thriller I got excited about before the thought creeped into my head of “this sucks, what’s the point” and then I stopped.
I wrote a few thousand words of vampire story that has been kicking around in my head forever.
I wrote some stream of consciousness stuff that sort of resembles poetry, maybe.
I’m writing the first draft of this post in Novlr, too, because it is interesting to me to be able to have a place that easily tracks ALL of my writing, whether it be blog posts, journal entries, stories, fiction, novels.. whatever.
So after eight days of writing in Novlr, and not even writing THAT MUCH in my opinion, for what I consider to be a good amount of writing for me, I have about 21,000 words.
21,000 words is A LOT. For anyone. It would be the perfect amount for me, if I were trying to complete NaNoWriMo, and get to 50K in a month, but that’s the thing, I’m not trying. I am just doing what comes natural to me, writing.
I have to share, I told myself.
I have to actually write down all the things that come into my head and SHARE them if I ever expect to make a living writing.
The ultimate goal, she’s a lofty goal, isn’t she?