1.) Finding out this morning that a friend who I have alienated and ignored in the last few months still hasn’t given up on me. (We’re going to see each other on Tuesday.
2.) Reaching out to an old friend who I haven’t really hung out with in years because of distance – I’m going to drive up to Hartford and have lunch with him NEXT Tuesday.
3.) Realizing that when I do things on my own terms, I get excited and feel happy rather than be nervous and regretful that I’ve made plans with people.
4.) I finished a (pretty rough) outline of my #onelittleword plan for the entire year!
5.) I think that all of these little pills I’ve been taking for months are finally starting to work.
I was told, way back in October when I started this cray-cray journey into getting help for my mental health, that it would take up to two entire months for the medications they prescribed me to reach their full effect on my brain chemistry. Unfortunately, since that time in October, I’ve switched medications, and medication doses, probably at least five times. I am actually still weaning off Effexor and building up the alternate dosage of Prestiq AND it’s probable that my dosage of Kapvay will go up as well.
There were a lot of ups and downs in the last few months, made worse by the side effects of all these medications. Some of the side effects were.. bad. Gross. Painful. Now, I can barely tell what is a side effect and what is going to be just normal from now on, but I do know that what is going on now I can happily deal with in exchange for all the good these meds are doing.
I know that the antidepressants are helping me because of the very obvious fact that I don’t cry as much anymore. For a while there, I was crying EVERY DAY, and sometimes MULTIPLE times a day. And it wasn’t as if I was always bawling and sobbing – I am a weeper. I had completely lost the ability to contain tears within my eyes, and even when I didn’t want them to, they would just drip out of me. Weeping makes it very hard to stay professional on the job, or to interact with people in general, you know? So, I barely cry anymore. I can talk about things in group therapy that are very upsetting to me, but I don’t get weepy. I’m CERTAIN this is because of the medication, and I am glad that this change has come.
If you were to ask though, what has effected me most? I’m pretty sure it’s the Kapvay, which was prescribed to me for ADD. Yeah. In IOP, your therapists really get to know you. I was grilled for at least a half hour solely on how I performed in school – what were my favorite subjects, what were my grades like, was I a better essay writer or test taker, what were my general thoughts on learning in a classroom. My med doctor then explained to me that she believed I’ve had ADD my entire life and went undiagnosed. She said that girls with ADD tend to get overlooked, because in boys, ADD or ADHD manifests with outbursts, disruptive behavior, and bad grades. Girls? They have a tendency to just stare out of windows and quietly daydream, and only excel in classes they have particular interest in, and either do poorly or just good enough in ones they don’t enjoy. She pretty much described me to a T, and so I agreed to try an ADD medication.
In the last month that I’ve been on Kapvay, I have been more productive, I shit you not, than I have been in the last YEAR. I have taken on lots of projects, I have been writing EVERY DAY, I have kept my house clean, I have cooked more meals at home, I have even been sleeping better. I have been FOLLOWING THROUGH with things, which to me is a big indicator of a change. Of course I often say I want to do things – I just never did them. Now I am doing them, and doing them well, and doing them without them feeling like they are insurmountable chores.
Anyway, this was supposed to just be a quick post on Grace and now I’ve belched out hundreds of words on drugs. I’m feeling very prolific today.