I didn’t do much today, and it was a wonderful day. I got up late, made pancakes for Elise and I, read a book, read a book, read a book. I read a whole book from cover to cover today, I love it when I get to do that. Elise and I cuddled on the couch and she played games and read and watched Netflix on her new Kindle and I read Good Kings Bad Kings by Susan Nussbaum. It was an ARC and there really isn’t even much to link to it yet as the book isn’t released until October 2013, that seems ages away.
Since last Sunday I’ve written over 21,000 words of a new book and I am having a ridiculously good time with it but I just needed a break today. I didn’t even consider opening up a fresh file for chapter eight, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. “They” say that writing is like cutting open your veins and bleeding onto the page, and yeah, I get that, I feel bled out and drained. I feel, frankly, like I worked all week long and now it’s the weekend and time to rest, and it’s the first time I’ve felt this way since my layoff, and I am taking that as a WONDERFUL THING.
It feels good to work hard for something, but it feels incredible to work hard for something that I want. Something that is my own.
I have been panicking lately, thinking about going back to work, about finding a job where I have to be there at certain hours of the day and have a boss that tells me what to do. I do more than shudder at the thought, I actually break down. I haven’t talked to anyone about that yet, and how its affecting me, the anxiety that creeps up and so I have to shut the thoughts down, stop thinking about it, avoid avoid avoid.
I’m avoiding work in my own way, I guess, by working as hard as I fucking can to never have to go work like that again.
So I’m going to watch another episode of Arrested Development and I’m going to work on my blanket, and then I’m getting back in the chair, and I’m going back to work.