It’s been a really long time since I’ve sat down to write a blog post for the sake of just spilling my brain. I’m either writing about writing, which is its own beast, or I’m doing Grace in Small Things or posting one of the 1,000 songs, so it might seem like nothing much has been going on in my life lately when really the exact opposite is true.
Yes, I have been writing the first draft of a novel. As of right now I am up to 24,311 words and about to reach the end of chapter eight. I am winging this thing by the seat of my pants and it is a terrible hot mess but whatever, I am writing and it is awesome and I am loving every. single. minute of it.
I’ve been spending more time with friends lately, more in the last two or three weeks than I have in the last two or three months, so during the evenings there is less free time of just sitting around or weeknights home alone with Elise. I am helping out with various things at Monte Cristo Bookshop when I can (not often enough) and I am also doing some design work for Scope Magazine now, and we are about to launch a new site design this week.
So things have been busy and yes, I have been feeling very stretched thin with my time. I am trying to find some balance in my life, some day to day balance, some routine without a job, and it is proving to be so much harder than I ever thought it would be, to manage my own time and set down my own path. I can tell myself all I want that I am going to get up at 8 in the morning when I have no obligations to honor other than the ones I make to myself, but much more often than not I let the alarm go and don’t set it again, and sleep for hours.
I could do better, is what I am saying, and I am trying to get there and on most days I feel like I AM getting there, that I am moving forward and changing in the ways I want to change myself. But it is glaringly obvious that I have so much further to go.
I imagine a road in the desert – something I can only imagine now, but something I will see soon – I imagine a road in the desert stretching out and blending into the horizon. I can see in the distance all the things I have to get through, all the little changes I need to make to be the person that I want to be. I can see them coming at me and they fill me with excitement and fear and dread and shame… It’s so damn scary and it’s such a long wild ride, and I have to take it just one mile at a time.