I can’t believe this is happening to me.

CheneyMental Health6 Comments

It’s hard to know what to say. I don’t know what to say at all, really, except that I am not okay. It’s really hard to be around people when I am feeling so depressed, hard to fathom how all of these people can just go about their lives like they are okay and everything is okay when I know that I am fundamentally NOT okay and I can’t understand why this is happening to me.

You know, for a big part of my life I didn’t even really believe in mental illness. I used to think that people who said they were depressed were just lazy and copping out and needed to get themselves together and stop being so selfish. I suppose now that’s part of my problem – the guilt.

I feel so guilty and ashamed for staying in bed 16 hours or more out of the day. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t take care of Elise, I can’t function at my job – I tried to yesterday, and felt like a complete fool for even thinking that I would be able to handle it. I couldn’t focus on anything, I kept checking and rechecking my work like I had OCD, sure I was fucking something up, and then I just completely broke down. I have to go talk to my boss today after my med appointment and I have no clue what I am going to say to him or what is going to happen. I know, or at least I think I know, more than anything, that I need to get better before I can go back to work and do the job right, but I am terrified that if I take the time off that I need, my boss will realize that I am not needed at all, and will not take me back.

This has had me stuck in this spiral – I have to go to work – I can’t go to work – but I have to go to work – or they won’t let me come back to work. And instead of doing anything, I just stay in bed.

I am scaring my family. My mom seems to think that I should just feel better as the days pass on, even though I have not had intensive therapy or a change to my meds. She keeps telling me to do things to get my mind off my problems and I don’t know how to explain to her that I can’t, so I just cry instead.

I just want to feel better. I just want to get better. I can’t believe this is happening to me.

6 Comments on “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

  1. Hello,
    I am so sorry you are feeling like you are in a dark pit. I have been there and I know it is an awful place. I would like to throw you a rope by saying I care and I have said a prayer for you today. I hope tomorrow is better.

  2. Congratulations my Friend you have found that you have zero interest in the world as you know it.
    If you were asked to provide fuel for a fire to burn , there would be nothing inside you,
    That I will tell you is an excellent place to start.
    Although you do not realise it. You have just asked yourself one kick ass question. And that is what is the point of all this B.S.
    The horses of desire and personal interest that once pulled you along have stopped.

    Wow. You are about to experience knowing that what you previously thought was the only way of life, is not. That is when you congratulate your self for having recognised that your symptoms are a rejection of the mad world we all live in. You are looking for purpose a way to deal with the external world.
    Be kind to yourself because you just hit a big question that knocks every one over in this way.
    Depression is the first part. Then a gap appears from feeling like you have lost it or are going to lose it mentally and emotionally. Too put it short my friend you are more than your job , more than the limited idea’s around you at the moment. So be kind to yourself and allow the new questioning life to bring you to consciousness.

    Russell

    1. I have read your comment over and over again, and I think – YES. I am hoping that everything you say is true, and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself and put myself first but that has been really hard to do, incredibly hard to let go of the guilt. But, thank you so much.

      1. yes the guilt causes anger first to attack others and then to attack ones self.the guilt all sits on fear. thats one of the questions why and what am i fearing. be honest its a prosess so be kind to your self.

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