It’s hard to know what to say. I don’t know what to say at all, really, except that I am not okay. It’s really hard to be around people when I am feeling so depressed, hard to fathom how all of these people can just go about their lives like they are okay and everything is okay when I know that I am fundamentally NOT okay and I can’t understand why this is happening to me.
You know, for a big part of my life I didn’t even really believe in mental illness. I used to think that people who said they were depressed were just lazy and copping out and needed to get themselves together and stop being so selfish. I suppose now that’s part of my problem – the guilt.
I feel so guilty and ashamed for staying in bed 16 hours or more out of the day. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t take care of Elise, I can’t function at my job – I tried to yesterday, and felt like a complete fool for even thinking that I would be able to handle it. I couldn’t focus on anything, I kept checking and rechecking my work like I had OCD, sure I was fucking something up, and then I just completely broke down. I have to go talk to my boss today after my med appointment and I have no clue what I am going to say to him or what is going to happen. I know, or at least I think I know, more than anything, that I need to get better before I can go back to work and do the job right, but I am terrified that if I take the time off that I need, my boss will realize that I am not needed at all, and will not take me back.
This has had me stuck in this spiral – I have to go to work – I can’t go to work – but I have to go to work – or they won’t let me come back to work. And instead of doing anything, I just stay in bed.
I am scaring my family. My mom seems to think that I should just feel better as the days pass on, even though I have not had intensive therapy or a change to my meds. She keeps telling me to do things to get my mind off my problems and I don’t know how to explain to her that I can’t, so I just cry instead.
I just want to feel better. I just want to get better. I can’t believe this is happening to me.