I occasionally contemplate my mortality.

CheneyOn Life1 Comment

Today is the first day of August. This pains me so. 

I love the summertime, for one thing. More than any other season, I am happiest when I’m dripping with sweat and can barely breathe from the weight of this wonderful New England humidity. Some would say I’m a masochist for it, and they may be right. I just LOVE that feeling you get when you sit down in your car after work, the car that has been baking under the blazing sun in the parking lot all day. The heat doesn’t hit you so much as it envelopes you, traps you and smothers you, and it seems like you can either close your eyes and wither and die or just breathe through it, feel your heart speed up, and roll on. 

But August, usually the hottest month of the year in these here parts, is bittersweet, because it means summer is almost over. Elise will start school again in four weeks, I will be back to getting up at the crack of dawn, suffering through those winter mornings when it’s not only freezing, BUT STILL DARK OUT when I rise. 

My August is jam packed with fun – so many fun things are about to go on in the next few weeks, I can hardly wait for them. But then, September will come. I love the fall too, but part of me will always hate it for taking away my sun and sweat. (Sick, right?) 

And then, my birthday. I will be 29 this year.

Honestly, there are days when I am surprised to realized that I’m not actually nineteen anymore, because that is the way I often feel. I think of my age, I contemplate the length of my life, and I am shocked that I am this old. I don’t feel like I’ve done enough yet, I don’t feel like I’ve seen enough yet, I don’t think I’ve loved enough yet to die.

It’s not like I think I’m going to die tomorrow – although I could. And it’s not like I’m crazy and vain, obsessing over turning 30 like it’s going to be my mid-life and deserves a crisis.. But it could be. It could be my mid-life. And I’m not ready to die yet – there is so much more to be done.

I made a list, just as tons of other people have made this same list, and I’m putting it here for reference. And so it stares me down constantly. So I don’t give up.

30 Before 30

  1. Get my sixth tattoo
  2. Visit Steph
  3. Eat at Yummy Noodles in NYC
  4. Live alone again
  5. Date
  6. Try 30 new recipes
  7. Take Elise to the zoo
  8. Make $100 from something I wrote
  9. Throw a party
  10. Road trip with Alisha
  11. Be a size 12 again (this will be the hardest thing)
  12. Sing Karaoke with Brian
  13. Read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
  14. Go to the drive-in
  15. Try a yoga class
  16. Get CPR certified
  17. Donate blood at least once
  18. Teach Elise to swim
  19. Find a writing group
  20. Meet an online friend
  21. Visit the grandparents in Florida
  22. Girls Only Bed & Breakfast vacation
  23. Blog every day for a month
  24. Get a significant raise / Or get a new job
  25. Consult a psychic
  26. Self-pub that book I wrote in May 2011
  27. Sail on a sailboat
  28. Go to the dentist
  29. Invest in something
  30. Forgive myself

The countdown starts today.

One Comment on “I occasionally contemplate my mortality.”

  1. oh man, to be 29 again…actually my late 20's were a hard time in my life…or maybe it was my mid-20's and i had turned around or moved forward by 29…either way i turned THIRTY nine this year…ten years on you yet i feel we have a lot in common just reading your past few posts…i started commenting on this one since this is the date you found my blog and i've been meaning to add yours ("follow") you ever since…funny about unconditional parenting…i have yet to find one person who has "finished" it…myself included…i think this is because it is such a philosophical book with such profound messages that you feel like if you've finished it you should follow through with it or something…i have a degree in psychology trying to analyze too much/figure myself out…i will do a post on this one of these days…anyway, love the 30 by 30 list…will have to do my 40 by 40 since i'm coming up on my 39 1/2 birthday this month…looking forward to following your blog!

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