This is one of those glum, rainy days where all I can do is feel sorry for myself that I am “stuck” with a job I can’t stand and the dreams of accomplishing my ultimate goal, which is to make a living writing, seems so far off BECAUSE I am stuck at this job I can’t stand. I think to myself, if only I didn’t have to work five days a week, I could get more writing done. If only, if only. It’s all I want in life – to not have to answer to anyone, to support myself. Well, okay, it’s not ALL I want in life, but lately, and especially today, not having to come to work tomorrow is at the top of my list of things I want to have happen.
I shouldn’t complain, because last week, I “won” the Indie Ink Writing Challenge. My short story that I posted last time, Hannah, got the Editor’s Choice. The confidence boost this gave me was amazing, but it was brought along with a healthy dose of shock. I didn’t expect this, if only for the reason that I didn’t try very hard in writing it. I saw something in my head – a scene – and I picked one of my favorite themes to write about, which is disappearance. Then that thing happened – if you are a writer, you will know what I mean. That thing, where the story just comes, the words just come. How do I write? I have no clue. I just do it. Evidently, with Hannah, I did it really well.
So now, I’m in this situation where I signed up for next week’s challenge, it’s due tomorrow at 9pm, and I have no idea what I am going to write about. Creatively, I’m a deer in the headlights. I want to write to the best of my abilitity, I don’t want to produce crap after producing a winning entry last week, but at the same time I don’t want to get to thinking that I HAVE to win – I signed up to do this for fun, as a creative excericise, and now it’s morphed into this psychological thing that I am stressing out over.
It’s just one of those days.
I need to make more time for myself. I do intend to do NaNoWriMo next month, and I am actually nearly halfway done with outlining the whole thing, which I have never done before, but with doing NaNo comes giving up pretty much everything else. I am going to have to tell my friends that I won’t be around next month, and why. I’ll have to force myself to lay off the Netflix and stick to Pandora radio. I’ll have to be prepared with a case of energy drinks the likelihood that I won’t get a good night’s sleep for a month.
Above all else, I just have to write. It’s what I have to do. The more days that go by, sitting at a desk at a job that I hate, the more I know there’s only one thing in the world I’m capable of being good at and enjoying, and that’s writing. And I want to enjoy life. I want to smile when I get up in the morning, not groan. I want to do this, and I have to find a way to make it happen – soon.