When I think back on 2011, my head spins. People say time flies, but 2011, it really got away from me. To think that I’ve lived with Michelle for almost a year now, and Elise is six years old and halfway through kindergarten, and Alisha got married and is expecting another baby.. I feel like I’ve measured my year in other people’s accomplishments, because nothing remarkable happened to me this year. I didn’t do anything terribly spectacular, I was annoyed and depressed more often than I would like to admit, and probably would say that if I had the chance, I would have gone back in time and said “No” to a whole lot more, to avoid doing things I didn’t want to do even though I knew I should have done them.
The years have seemed short but the days were long.
I don’t like looking back on a year without being able to feel proud of what I’ve done. I don’t like looking back and struggling to find the moments that were the best or mattered most – it should be easier to find more of them.
Anyway. Lots of bloggers have been coming up with words to live by for the year. Words like Creature, and Shift, and Passion. I came up with a word, too.
I want 2012 to be about ME.
See, I realized something recently. It’s not up to other people to make me happy. A perfect family won’t bring me happiness, nor will a boyfriend or a husband or a child who never gets into trouble. I can’t count on friends to always keep me in smiles and laughter, I can’t count on destiny or fate to bring me words spilling from fingers and onto pages. If I want to be happy with my life, if I want to be able to look back on a year of my life and look at it fondly, with love and pride, then there is only one person to count on: ME. I can’t blame my problems on anyone else, and I can’t count on anyone else to solve them. It’s all ME.
So what does this mean for the year ahead?
I’m going to say “No” a lot more often – I’m not going to do things because people expect me to do them or think I should. If I don’t want to do something, I am going to say “No” and I’m not going to feel bad about it anymore.
I’m going to spend more time alone – Because I can’t write when anyone else is around, and since writing is all I want to do with my life, it’s about damn time I considered what I want over what other people want, meaning my presense in their homes and lives. In this regard, I’ll have to channel Dr. Suess, and remember that “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
I’m going to seize the motherfucking days, man. – It goes back to what Brian said yesterday. If you want to have fun in your life, you just have to choose to DO IT. You have to choose to make your own fun, and to take your own adventures. In other words, I’m choosing to not be bored anymore. Ever.
Basically, I think that if I just do what I want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks is right, and if I just do my best to to surround myself with people who make me feel happy and alive and loved, it’s going to be the best year ever.