You’d think that a person who was so fed up with herself over being a lump on the couch and watching too much TV and being unproductive for a year would TOTALLY rock NaNoWriMo and use it as a reason/excuse/motivation to finally get butt in chair and start writing again.
Such is not the case.
I’m so angry. So angry with myself. So angry that I never finished all the great things I started, so angry that I have wasted so much of my life. So angry that forcing myself to sit in front of the blank page for an hour a day just isn’t getting the results like I want it to.
Nicole Blackman, one of my favorite poets, said best, repeatedly:
“You must change your life. You are never ready.”
I have like eight different things that I want to work on writing. None of them are this “great” NaNoWriMo idea I came up with on the 2nd of November because I thought it would be “easy.”
Herpaderpa, Cheney. Is it ever easy?
Forgoing NaNoWriMo? I never thought it would come to this.
I used to look forward to NaNoWriMo every year because I always knew that I could do it, and I did it again and again. I was a finisher. No matter how much the MS sucked, I was a finisher! I looked forward to the feelings of satisfaction and success.
But this year? It’s one of those things, like, don’t expect much, aim low, so you aren’t as disappointed.
I don’t think I could take getting toward the end of the month and failing. I don’t think I can get close but no cigar, here.
I already feel pretty crushed, I don’t think I can take squashed.
But it’s okay, right? Cause that’s what I am going to tell myself. That it’s okay to give up on something if you are going to commit yourself to latching on to something else? It’s what I am trying to tell myself.
I have all of these goals … mostly they involve quitting certain things to make me a better, more productive person.
It’s not going well.
But the stress of NaNoWriMo? The stress of “OH MY GOD I HAVE TO WRITE TODAY I HAVE TO GET SOME WORDS ON PAPER TODAY OR I AM GOING TO FAAAAAAIIILLLL”
The anxiety in me is already too much. Why am I doing this to myself?
Because I still think, stupidly, that there is actually still someone out there that I need to IMPRESS.
HA! What a joke.
Maybe next year, NaNoWriMo. For now, I am going to try to keep just a little bit of the sanity I have left.