I had all these plans to be productive today and all of them just didn’t happen.
That’s happening more lately. Or maybe it’s happening just as much as it always has these last few years and I am just noticing it more and being more let down by it lately.
Either way, it’s a double edged sword that makes me want to work harder and then keeps me doing nothing because of the feelings of shame and worthlessness. Ah, depression. There you are.
And so what I was complaining about last night is coming to pass again. I want to change my blog theme and have been distracting myself with that for hours and not writing.
Always, always not writing.
I feel so out there, so untethered, so adrift. So lost from something, if you know what I mean.
I feel like I’m drifting alone out in space. In this place where no one notices and no one cares.
There’s all these things I know I could do to change that, and then I don’t do them.
I hate admitting it. But something must be done. And maybe opening up about it here will help me actually GET it done.
Because right now picking up the phone and going through the hours long hassle it will be to get me back into someone’s care is the absolute last thing I want to do.
Or is it?
Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow I will try again. I’ll try to cross things off my to-do list. I’ll try to write more. I’ll try to catch up.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.