One of my favorite poets, Nicole Blackman, once wrote:
You must change your life.
You are never ready.
I discovered her poetry in high school, and for some reason I’ve held on to those words for over fifteen years. Every time I think about changing something in my life, in fact, those two lines of poetry spring up from the depths of my brain and somehow remind me how hard changing actually is.
Even if you are at rock bottom (which technically I am not), even if your life is in complete and utter shambles (and I won’t dramatize and say I’m completely failing), it’s STILL HARD to make better choices for yourself and to change the things in your life that you feel are “bringing you down” or just keeping you from being the YOU that you want to be.
So I’ve started seeing a therapist again. I’ve started taking meds again, but it’s a hard process this time, harder than last time even though I feel like I am starting out this process in a better place – harder because this time I am struggling to give up some things as much as I am trying to get a grip on the things I do need.
I am giving up my addictions.
I’m flirting with complete, cold-turkey sobriety.
I am an addict.
I have a problem.
Isn’t admitting that you have a problem the first step in recovery?
I believe it is, and that’s a good thing, because see? I’m past that part. I’m moving on to the part where I find other things to fill my time, to finding other things to soothe me and relax me.
+ + +
In every therapist’s office I’ve ever been in (and there have been many) I’ve seen the same few books on their pretentious, heavy bookshelves.
The Big Book
The Artist’s Way
The Four Agreements…
Any of these sound familiar?
They were all familiar to me except for one – The Artist’s Way.
I never picked it up and looked at it. I never even bothered to find out what it was and why it was on so many therapist’s shelves – not until Monday, that is.
After my appointment – after finding out it was either give up my vices or give up on the legal prescriptions for the meds I’ve come to rely on – I went on Amazon and looked it up, and purchased it within a minute. It arrived yesterday, I read the first 100 pages last night, and started my Morning Pages today.
This is going to be a thing that I’ll do for now.
I’m not big on commitments. I usually make plans and then break them. I usually set goals and abandon them, or simply fail to achieve them.
Postive affirmations, Cheney.
No one is going to believe in me unless I do.
No one is going to help me write again.
This is a one on one fight to the death.
Me against me.
** photo by Kazuend @ Unsplash, words by Nicole Blackman