She’ll Finally Understand

CheneyParenting, Writing Challenges4 Comments

A few weeks ago my best friend confided in me that she is pregnant.

This didn’t come as a surprise, because she and her husband have been actively trying to get pregnant for a while now, but was exciting to news to hear. I felt immediate delight at the thought of getting to snuggle and sniff at some fresh baby in just a couple of seasons, and this other thought came into my head:

She’ll finally understand.

It’s a thought that I have had every time one of my girlfriends has gotten pregnant.

I was pretty much the first person I knew to have a baby, out of my good friends at the time, anyway.

Eleven years seems like such a long time, doesn’t it? Just over a decade ago, I was twenty-three and pregnant.

I was too young, I wasn’t ready.

At the time I was desperate to have friends who had babies. I was always secretly praying that my friends would get themselves knocked up whether they wanted to or not, I just wanted one of my friends – any of my friends – to understand what I was going through.

I am no one special, you know.

I don’t face any unique hardships that make being a single mom more particularly hard for me than anyone else in my income bracket, and of course, I have the added base level of privilege being American and white.

But despite that, I’ve always thought that parenting is really fucking hard, and I’ve always felt very alone.

Looking out every day into an infinite sea of Alpha Moms while I’ve stood petrified with anxiety against the wall of ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ poseur-moms all my life certainly hasn’t helped. And I mean that literally as well as figuratively, for the record.

It’s felt to me for a long time that parenting is a competition, a literal race to be the best, and therefore have the best children, in any way you can imagine.

The stress, the imaginary pressure I put on myself for no reason other than constantly comparing and being compared to others, turns into very real guilt and shame over things I was pretty sure I never gave a shit about.

It’s absurd, really, the pressures we put on ourselves and each other when we’re parents.

Like aways questioning every decision we make on their behalf and then second guessing those decisions to the point of losing sleep. Insane things, too, like whether you should have rushed out to Target twenty minutes before bedtime because you forgot that tomorrow is Green Shirt Day (wtf, really?) and your daughter’s only green tee shirt is crumpled up at the bottom of the dirty hamper and you don’t have a washer and dryer in your apartment, so maybe in the morning you can get it a little damp in the sink and then try to hit it with the hair dryer to try to get the wrinkles out, or should you get up super early to go real quick to buy a shirt before school even though you don’t have the time or money or energy for that, so what the hell is wrong with you, why couldn’t you just remember she needed the damn green shirt for Green Shirt Day, you horrible mother!?

Finally she will understand.

The poor thing, she’s so worried right now about all of these things that are totally out of her control. Like, will she miscarry, will the baby have any genetic defects, will she have to have a C-Section…

I know, I get it.

I’ve been there, remember? It was a long time ago, but I’ve been there.

It’s scary as hell finding out you’re pregnant, and unfortunately, I can only imagine the added worry and anxiety over trying to do everything right for a baby that was planned and is desperately wanted…

But this is the easy part.

I want so badly to comfort her while she worries, I hope so sincerely that she knows I love her and I’m not making fun of her or invalidating her feelings when she panics over wild and unpredictable things, and feel like all I can offer right now are nods and smiles.

Because this? This is nothing.

But it’s okay.

She’ll be okay.

If we try harder to hold each other through it, we might all be okay.

She’ll understand soon.

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4 Comments on “She’ll Finally Understand”

  1. Every time my children gets sick I have to hold back the waves of panic as if it is my fault virus and bacteria exist! Why? I feel like a failure even though logically it is insanity to feel that way. It’s a wonder any of us manage to wake up and find a smile at all!

    1. Ugh, I know. I wish I had received a manual of some sort beforehand. Why don’t we tell people the truth?

  2. I never had kids, so it’s hard to comment on parenting. There’s so much more to parenting than just birthing another human into the world, and it sounds like you definitely are winning at moming! 😀

  3. I so remember those feelings of guilt, all through my daughters’ childhood. I loved your perspective here, celebrating with your friend, but glad to have her in the same boat with you. I saw a post recently about how we can make so many different choices and still be good mothers. I can’t find it now, but it’s so much easier to say than to believe.

Feel like sharing some thoughts?