I’m having a surprisingly bad day. Not that anything bad has happened today – it’s just that nothing has happened at all, and that is what is making it so bad. I had every intention of writing today, writing anything – working on VZFS!, working on the other version of VZFS that I haven’t really talked about here or anywhere else online, or even just puttering around with something new, but I’ve not been able to.
I’m kicking myself in the ass today, because I don’t necessarily believe in writer’s block or lack of inspiration. There are always things to be written about, there is endless inspiration in the world – wherever we look there are things that spark interest and creativity, but today, my god, I feel like I just want to throw everything away and start all over again, and the scariest thing is, I might.
I only have a couple of weeks left before my hosting expires for VZFS!. What started out as a web serial with the plan of bi-weekly updates stagnated and practically died, and then I had this firecracker pop of inspriation when I wrote Demyx, which is definitely the best (and longest) post in the serial. But from there? Nothing. I always said that VZFS! was more of a test of endurance than anything else. I never expected it to be great or revolutionary, as in many cases I don’t think that things written in first person journal style work that well. Now I am wondering whether it is just my chronic neglect that has led me to where I am now – having the thoughts of starting over, or just taking the site down and holding off on it for a while until I can figure out what the hell I am doing.
I don’t know what is going on with me today, with my mood, with this dreadful melancholy and somehow desperate feeling I have. I’ve had a headache all day, which could be attributed to staying up until 3am and then getting up for work at 8am, and the drinking I did last night, and knowing that I have all the time in the world, really, to do all the writing I want, but I am not seizing the opportunity or making good use of the precious time I have.
That’s another thing – Time. I’m getting older, I’m irrationally freaking out about turning twenty-nine this month, and feel like I have some proverbial clock hanging over my head, ticking down the days and hours and minutes until it’s just all used up. And there are these things I want to do. More specifically, there are these books I want to publish, there is this validation I need to have, desperately feel I need to have, before my time is up.
I’m sick with this, these negative thoughts I am feeling today. It’s never going to happen, Cheney. You can’t do this. You aren’t disciplined enough, you aren’t good enough, you just will never be enough.
And there’s the rub. This block I’m having today, this nogoodverybad day – It’s because I think that nothing I do is ever good enough. So I throw it away, I hide it away, I never let anyone see anything. And it gets me absolutely nowhere.