What if a demon came to you in your loneliest moment. Said: this life, just as you have lived it. Would you choose it over and over again for all eternity? Are you strong enough to want nothing more?
- Not On Fire, But Burning – by Greg Hrbek
“I’ve been thinking lately about immortality. What it means to be remembered, what I want to be remembered for, certain questions concerning memory and fame. I love watching old movies. I watch the faces of long-dead actors on the screen, and I think about how they’ll never truly die. I know that’s a cliché but it happens to be true. Not just the famous ones who everyone knows, the Clark Gables, the Ava Gardners, but the bit players, the maid carrying the tray, the butler, the cowboys in the bar, the third girl from the left in the nightclub. They’re all immortal to me. First we only want to be seen, but once we’re seen, that’s not enough anymore. After that, we want to be remembered.”
― Emily St. John Mandel, Station Eleven
Let’s be honest. 2012 pretty much sucked for me. I think back to the beginning of the year, and am shocked to remember how well it started out. I had a blast on New Years Eve, went to an awesome New Years Day brunch at a friends house, and then Brian whisked me off to New York City later in the day so that we could start off the year with a dinner at Yummy Noodle and dessert at a little joint that boasted the best tirimisu in the city (but they were sold out so we got gelato instead.) We have to make our own fun, is something that Brian said to me, a year ago today, and now he’s gone.
It seems that since that day, January 1, 2012, the year proceeded to get more and more thoroughly, and even comically, awful. Things with my old roommate Michelle exploded and by the time we moved out of the house we rented together in June, we had barely spoken for a month. Friendships I had with people fizzled out, I lost interest in my job, my hobbies, my life. My best friend moved across the country, I had a nervous breakdown, I lost my job and I’m unemployed… I could go on, but it’s not really worth it anymore. After all, 2012 did have its one saving grace:
Every year eventually has the courtesy to end.
So from now on, I’m going to look forward and keep reminding myself that as bad as I thought 2012 was, 2002 still holds the award for what the fuck happened, there? Bygones, people. Bygones.
So, what about resolutions?
I used to make new years resolutions, but that whole process never worked out for me. I would stew for days over what the resolutions would be, I would list them out, and then one by one I would watch their downfall and cross them off the list, and the entire cycle of failure to follow through would make me feel terrible and DANG JUST SCREW MAKING RESOLUTIONS!
But I’m trying to have a better attitude and I think it would be beneficial to me to find something to hold myself accountable for throughout an entire year. Here’s what I want to do in 2013:
Mindfulness is something that I have been working on a lot lately, and it is a big part of my therapy and recovery. Mindfulness is about paying attention, being present and aware, appreciative, grounded, and thoughtful. One of my mindful tasks in 2013 will be daily journaling, and I have been using 750Words to journal for a few months and I am finding it to be an amazing experience.
Being brave is something that I’m working on, too. I suppose everyone might have a different definition of what constitutes being brave, but for me brave means challenging myself. Brave is not only getting out of bed every morning, but also doing something productive and meaningful with the day. Brave means setting boundaries for myself and remembering my worth. Brave is scary, but long overdue.
I am going to be doing a lot of projects in the coming months, and in January I will be participating with BlogHer’s January NaBoPoMo. Believe it or not, I have been successful in completing month long challenges before, and I did it last January as well.