Just Like This

I’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately, and spending a lot of that time trying to figure stuff out about myself and make myself better.

Does that sound weird?

It’s true.

I think a lot of people probably have times in their lives where they really want to make some drastic change because they think it will make their lives better, but they hold back and don’t do it because they’re afraid of what people think.

Call me paranoid, call me obsessed and repressed, I am all of those things, but come on. Admit it. One time or another in your life, you made a decision based on what someone else thought about you over what you thought or wanted yourself.

That’s fucked up, right?

I think it is, and I’m working on it.

photo from unsplash: https://unsplash.com/@rodlong

So yeah, I guess I am getting to be one of those self-helpy people.

I have books on my shelves that range from You Are a Badass to Big Magic, and Bird by Bird alongside Think and Grow Rich.

You know why?

Because I’m almost thirty-five, and I feel it’s about time to finally start figuring out what this whole “adulting” thing is all about.

Do you like that term, adulting?

A lot of people seem to get really annoyed by it.

I can understand why some people, especially true lovers of words, get annoyed when silly new word and phrases get added to the dictionary, and generally those words came into being based on laziness: the unwillingness to take the few seconds to type out an entire word.

But adulting I can get behind.

You see, I am one of those people who have always secretly asked myself ‘When am I going to grow up? When I am going to figure it all out and get my shit together?’ Because no matter how put together I may look or feel, on the inside I’m a mess.

When grown adults use the term “adulting” and take it seriously, I find it endearing and also comforting – that there are other “adults” out there surprising themselves every day, and willing to admit to the world that they are surprised, that they have done something as seemingly simple as make a dentist appointment.

That’s what all this is about really, and it is something I am going to have to come to the page for every day and work out until I figure it out.

I am terrified of rejection, and I am terrified of failure.

Sucks for me that rejection and failure are two things that I am quite intimately familiar with, so I guess it’s no surprise that I have spent years, I mean years avoid them, to the point where it’s become a problem that I’ve had to actively try and fix.

Just like this.

Just by coming and showing up and saying

“Hey, this ‘life’ shit is really hard sometimes.”

And being able to say it and let myself have those feelings without also thinking (or hearing) but there are refugee children dying in Syria and legions of innocent North Koreans whose suffering you can’t even fathom, except I do hear those things, in my own head, constantly, the voice of doom that always makes things just a little bit shittier.

This isn’t a pity party.

This ain’t no country club, either.

I can just let these thoughts out and put them here, just like this.