Lately I’ve been freaking out about not writing.
More broadly, I’ve been freaking out about how I feel that I am adrift, directionless. I don’t see a path for my future from where I’m at now, and I am honestly not sure how I am going to get there, or anywhere, when I am stuck in this funk of feeling like nothing matters.
Oh, I guess that’s depression lying, but whatever. It’s still what I am going through right now, so apparently you’re going to hear about it.
I went for a walk at the beach after therapy this morning. I really laid it on her today. I think it surprised her, after (seemingly) having my shit together for so long, to see me finally shed a tear again, because I am just so fucking sick of the way life has been going lately.
If anyone asks I will tell them that I am actually happier now than I have been in a long time, and I wouldn’t be lying. It’s true.
I’ve recently gotten over a few crutches that had been holding me back, and the releasing of myself from those things has opened up my life in a way I have trouble putting into words without writing a novel of a backstory, which I don’t want to dredge up, because the whole point of it is that it’s over.
So now I’m on this new path.
I feel like it’s a new path, like it’s another chance to change things about myself and my life, because I’ve turned a certain corner.
There are certain things I am not afraid of anymore, and it’s liberating, letting go of your fears and insecurities.
That’s not to say I’m not still riddled with anxiety over other aspects of my life.
Frankly, that I’m thirty-three and don’t really know what to do with my life is my chief anxiety at the moment, which is interesting because for so long I have sort of just drifted along through the days, laughing about how they were exactly the same, some things never change, blah blah blah, and then I realized, wait, what the fuck?
This is it.
I have to stop writing about not writing and actually write.
Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh.
You know what they say:
It’s that easy, and it’s that hard.
But this is it. There’s today, and maybe the day after that, and maybe the day after that, and that’s it.
This is it.
In an effort to get writing again, at all, ever, I decided to wander over to WordPress.com to see what the Daily Post was about today and do it no matter what. How apt.