I think a lot about goals, productivity, motivation, accountability, determination, success and failure. They are all things that I am constantly working on in my own life and just ruminating about in general, and that goes something like this:
If this person can do it, why can’t I? Why do I keep on distracting myself and doing things that lead away from being productive when I know how much all these little moments of procrastination add up to huge thoughts of failure? How does this person get up and get dressed and get to work in her home office ever day, even if there is no one there watching her?
So many of these things I focus my thoughts on are strongly tied to feelings of self worth:
I’m such a loser for watching all of this TV when I could be doing X. It’s already so late, why bother starting now? I’m never going to write as good as King, so why should I even write at all?
I don’t know about all y’all, but over here we’re suffering from some mental illnesses. I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic disorder for a few years, but depression is something that has followed me around for the last fifteen years or so, and it’s favorite thing to do is tell me how much I suck, and, because of how much I suck, how worthless everything is.
Maybe I put so much mental energy into convincing myself to get off my ass and be productive because it’s my low key way of convincing myself that anything I do is worth doing, because life is worth living, and in general people have to get up and go to work every morning to sustain life.
That’s what I am trying to get around here, lately.
Let’s just say I’ve had bad luck with bosses.
I’ve been emotionally abused.
I’ve been threatened.
I’ve been blackmailed.
I’ve been bullied.
I’ve been shamed.
I am so fucking done with bosses, I am going to do literally everything in my power to never have to have one again, and so here comes this blog, here comes this new laser focus of (some of) my free time.
I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway, let’s just put that right out there.
So, I’m selling LuLaRoe. That is my current and only source of income, so I need to do much better at making that work, and so I guess have to analyze why I haven’t been doing a better job in the first place, but that’s another blog post.
Next, I am going to start working on a website that I have been thinking of starting for a while now that I think has the potential to be a good money-maker in terms of affiliate advertising – that is another thing I have been doing a lot of research on lately.
There’s a lot I want to try, but none of it will happen if I don’t set my mind to making it happen and setting some goals and holding myself accountable.
Blogging has always been a way I have held myself accountable for things. Even if no one is reading or following along, at least there is a record of me saying I am going to do something, and that matters to me a lot, maybe more than it matters to most people.
Someone that I care about once said out of the blue “You’re a do-er” with this look of respect in his eyes that I’ll never forget. “You say you’re going to do things and then you do them,” he said, and I don’t remember what I said in response because I was shocked that anyone would think that about me since I’ve never been able to think that about myself.
AM I a do-er?
I guess so?
Or maybe it’s that I don’t like talking about things before I do them, or as I am doing them, because I am worried about being judged if I publicly fail.
But what the hell is life if we don’t keep trying and failing?
I’m tired of being afraid of that, of holding back from talking about my dreams because I’m afraid of what people will think.
We ask the children we love the most what they want to be when they grow up and we smile and marvel and the wonderful, shoot for the moon things they dream up, and then?
Then you become an adult.
You join the real world and apparently it’s a place where being yourself and going after the things you really want are something you are afraid of and feel ashamed about.
Really? No. No more of that for me. Nothing will change if I keep all quiet in my shell, not getting the things I want because I’m too afraid to ask for them.