Elise has a meltdown today when I tell her she can’t pick out another movie to watch. Though Sundays are often lazy here, that does not mean my nearly seven year old gets to rot her brain on twelve hours of continuous television watching while I work on my novel. I am not the greatest mom, but I am not that bad.
We play two games of Pretty Pretty Princess and I win both of them. She keeps her face composed but I hear her voice breaking when she says “Fine. We aren’t playing anymore, cause I am not a pretty princess.” So I convince her to play one more game and this time I cheat, letting her win. It’s only a game of chance, there is no skill to spinning that wheel whatsoever, but I am the mom who can’t break her heart.
We fight over the tooth again, even though I’ve been told repeatedly to either rip it out or get over it.
The hanging tooth is an unwanted presence in both our lives at this point and neither of us has the strength to just deal with it and pull it out.
There are tears today, but none of them are mine.
Eleven days on Prozac now and I wonder if I kept my shit together today because of a pill, or not. I thought to myself as Elise’s meltdown was happening, two weeks ago and I would have melted down with her. Two weeks ago I would have gone into my bedroom and laid down to cry, too.
This is strange new territory, this string of days I have had without crying. Today makes two of them.
There have been other strange feelings as well:
Surges of joy during simple moments. Unexplainable, sudden joy. Not being embarrassed to ask for things that I want. Then, the not feeling. Not feeling anxious or guilty about telling people No, I don’t want to. Having that be okay in my own eyes.
The truth is – oh, how I hope you get sick of hearing that – I was afraid that altering my brain chemistry was going to be a bad idea. I wondered whether it would effect my creativity, my imagination, my writing.
Here I was thinking all along that writers were made to be sad, tortured souls.
I was so behind on NaNoWriMo, but have written over 7,000 words in the last two days. Last night there was a spree of over four thousand words, and today I have written in fits and starts, but ultimately progress is being made, and after a late dinner I will writing more until I give in and allow myself to take the break I’ve been wanting to take, to slip into a simple and guilty pleasure of catching up on Vampire Diaries.
I feel like two days without tears and seven thousand words means I should reward myself with whatever it is I want and not think twice about what else it is I should be doing at any given time.