Dear people of the world: Christmas presents do not, in fact, get delivered to homes by magical elves. They come by way of UPS, FedEx, and other POSTAL carriers. These men and women, who spend grueling hours in the weeks before Christmas delivering your shit on time, do not have reindeer, jet packs, or teleporters to get your shit to you faster. Therefore, dear people of the world, IF YOU WANT SOMETHING SHIPPED FROM CONNECTICUT TO CALIFORNIA TO BE DELIVERED ON FRIDAY, DON’T WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY TO ORDER IT, BECAUSE YES, IT WILL COST A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE TO EXPEDITE – WE’RE TALKING THE COST OF JET FUEL NOW, MOFOS!!